Gosh that sounds sad. And maybe sad is the only way to put a word to it. Although if I had to put a word to it I think crushingly heartbreaking would suffice. I guess that is two words but hey one just doesn’t seem to work. I am not especially sad today. I had a wonderful night spent some sweet quality time with my loving and wonderful husband. I got a positive on my OPK this morning. Which is both exciting and stressful. I don’t know I just feel so blah like I am just in this haze. I feel so selfish because I want this so badly. And as happy as I am for everyone else in my heart it just hurts. This is something my lovely husband isn’t as supportive of. He says things like “why is everyone getting pregnant? It’s like the thing to do now; it didn’t used to be like this” Umm babe that’s not helpful, also hurtful. I have wanted us to have a baby the entire time we have been together. And now people who have started after have children now or are pregnant or are now in the process of making their second child. I am surrounded by it. I can’t get away from it. And these girls are my best friends so it’s not like I won’t be there for them. I want to be there, but it’s just hard to shake the “why can’t I” feeling. Of our group of friends we are the ONLY ones without children. Facebook just makes this process so much harder. All these new moms and new announcements and birth stories I am seriously thinking about just getting off FB all together so I don’t have to see it all the time. The complaints I see from “friends” with children is the worst. Some woman would die to have what they have and all they can do is complain about it. I just don’t understand how it’s fair. I mean for me it’s just not. EVERYONE is Pregnant. And I’m not. It hurts, it makes me angry and sad and bitter. I get tired of crying all the time. And so get tired of the “if you want kids so bad you can have mine” lines. That is the worst. This isn’t a very uplifting happy post, and I didn’t intend for it to be this way but I guess I am just a lot sadder today than I realized I was. I just want it to be our turn. I want us to have out time to be a family. I want to have a little life that is our own. I just have to keep telling myself this is all going to make me a better mom because I wanted it so bad. I hurt so much with this emptiness I feel inside. I pray our time will come. I just want one; I am not trying to be one of those reality TV shows where they have way to many children. This week is the week to make it happen or we will be referred out. If it comes to that I really hope we have better luck.
In other news Justin Timberlake is tomorrow with my friend Carissa. We have the nose bleed seats but at least we are getting to go. I am sure it will be a great concert. I just wish it wasn’t on a school night. I will be so tired on Friday. This weekend is the affair of the heart craft show. I think grandma will actually go this time. So I am really looking forward to that. And then MAYBE some family pictures on Sunday. But I just feel so fat lately I don’t know that I even want my picture taken. Bah! Boo Hiss I wish today was just done and over with already. I want to crawl back into bed and just hide from the world.
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